Wow. I really don’t know where to begin. Even saying the words mommy makes me feel uneasy. I haven’t said those words to anyone but you and the last time I can remember, I was 7.
The reason why I’m writing you is because Mother’s Day is yet again around the corner and usually I would go into isolation. I stopped celebrating when momma passed.
I would send a text to all my friends who are mothers, stay off social media and watch movies. I don’t even listen to the radio.
I would get so jealous and upset seeing other people celebrating and loving on their mothers and it was making me angry. When momma was here it wasn’t as bad because at least I had her.
I know you are proud of the work she did. She kept us together like you asked and she did her best with what she had.
But when she passed, and as I got older, I started to discover just how much mother-daughter stuff I missed out on because you were gone.
I always wondered what it would be like to hang out with you, talk, get our hair done, have a drink, or even talk about guys.
I always wonder to myself if we would have had that kind of relationship or would it have been different.
Some people I know have difficult relationships with their mom and I could never understand why but that’s because you left me at such a young age I never got the chance to know you.
My last memory of you was when you were in the hospital. I remember we used to visit you often and then all of a sudden it stopped. To tell you the truth, I don’t even know what your voice sounds like.
I try my hardest to think and remember but I can’t. I only know you through other people and sometimes it makes me angry.
Everyone says how much of a loving and giving person you were.
They talk about how you had a heart of gold, how beautiful you were and how much you love music. They also say you had this no care attitude when it came to people’s opinion and your mouth was something else lol.
I always wondered what we have in common. Am I just like you or who do I favor more, you or my father? I always wished I could have had my experience with you. When I look at old pictures, I vaguely remember.
When God took you, I was 7 but three of those years I was California so I’ve really only been around you 4 years of my life. I look at this picture with you, me and my cousin and I just have so many questions.
Why did I have to go to California? Why did you leave me there for 3 years? What was really going on with you?
All these questions that I’ve been carrying around with me for years and I believe it’s finally time that I release some of the emotions I carry when it comes to you.
So, with another Mother’s Day approaching, instead of going into isolation, I wanted to do something different. I decided to write you to let you know how much you’ve played a role in my life even though you’re not here.
I really wish you could see… but then again, maybe you can. I can only imagine what your life was like.
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